Beghitam

For few months after the last post, I didn’t seemed to bother of adding a new one. Actually, I wanted to. I have a lot to ‘say’ since now there were much ‘circus’ going around Malaysia nowdays. However, since this blog was once used by someone for her/ his personal gains (i.e. backstabbing purposes), I’d refrain from taking such risk.

One kind of ‘circus’ that was the ‘in’ thing is spouse-stealing. I think the trend was started by our Datuk Siti. It seemed that everyone has made a silent agreement of not to talk freely on how a woman got married to someone’s ex in a short time. Now, other female artists did the same thing and they FLAUNT it. For example, Waheeda-Akhil (both of you are a disgrace nasyid artists’ image), Ajai-Liza, and perhaps soon Norman-Memey. What made me baffled is; ‘don’t they believe in karma?’ or ‘don’t they feel at least a bit guilty for separating a man from his wife and children?’

I think it’s not just me, many other women felt the same as well. What if your own beloved husband has an affair and even you broken-heartedly permit him to practise polygamy, he instead chickened out and divorces you? For me, I didn’t think I could live with that. So for those women (not just artists) whom in some way responsible for their husband’s first divorce, don’t you think he will do ‘it’ again? Divorce you or marries other woman when he got tired of you? The possibility is quite high since he done it before, so why not?

Men on the other hand have the tendency to become unfaithful (strays) when he started it. I’m not saying that all men will do that, but logical thinking: having a secret affair gives the adrenalin, the excitement. Overcoming the challenge of having a second marriage and/or divorcing the first wife will boost a men’s ego. Some men will get addicted to that like taking drugs or smoking. Plus, it’s not like it didn’t happen before.

I couldn’t think why these men have the heart to break their own marriage. Didn’t they pity at least the children? Even if they have problems with their wife, it’s their job to initiate the reconciliation. It’s no problem solving by having an affair and ended your marriage sourly.

P/s: Notice the 3 couples chose to wear white? White symbolizes purity and innocence. But, are they?

In today’s competitive world, we strive for perfection in our career, studies, personal achievement, family and social standard. Flaws are shunned and unacceptable. Thus, people with flaws are categorized into caste; depending on their degree of imperfection. Many would deny this but it is the unspoken truth and law. Unconsciously, our society accepts it as part of life. It reflected in systems, our attitude and even in our thoughts.

Nobody is perfect. That’s why everybody put perfection in front of everything. For example, you wouldn’t go to the office in your pyjamas, would you? While normal people would go with basic office attire, perfectionists would choose their best wardrobe; colour-matching, head-turning style and all not only to their office, but also to any place where more than 1 people gathers.

Another example is guarding your status/ career in society. Many would do anything to preserve their ‘face’/ climbing the corporate ladder; be it working hard honourably, be a good person inside and out or degrading other people to cover up your own shit. Working hard is just hard and be Mother Teresa isn’t just our trade. Therefore, a lot of us choose the easy way: selling other people out to push ourselves forward quickly. I might be wrong, but that’s what I saw and experienced. Everybody wants to be the number one first and it doesn’t matter how you achieve it.

I am neither anti-perfect nor achiever of perfection. I was striving for it during my earlier days. I entered the rat race to get the ‘bestest’. In the end, I realized the hard truth: my limitations. I mourned and depressed every time I failed to achieve the perfection I desire. I thought; what went wrong? I tried to be more vigilant but the results did not come with much improvement. Perhaps I hoped too much. Perhaps I didn’t struggle hard enough. Perhaps I never try cheating/ backstabbing. Whatever it is, it certainly exhausted my emotion. Slowly, I distanced myself from the race. I need it to preserve my moral belief and sanity.

Now I think I work for perfection at my own pace. And I try not to become too upset when things didn’t work out. However, it is not as easy as it looks. As I said, society despised imperfection and thus I was treated accordingly. What pains me is even the people I knew do the same thing. I know some of us are obsessed with perfection but please, bear with the others who are not at the same pace with yours. Watch your attitude as people who you think are bane to your beliefs might be the ones who help you through life. We will never be perfect and always need others’ help regardless their status or achievement.

Almost all romance in the office are called scandal even it is not always so. Sometimes, it is inevitable to have an intimate relationship with a colleague or your boss or your subordinate. People just love gossips and unfortunately other colleagues would mislabel office romance as scandal.

Let us omit the extra-marital office romance and assume people who are involved in this relationship are single. I looked through some articles discussing the issue and here are guidelines of having an office romance properly:

NEVER START THE RELATIONSHIP UNLESS YOU ARE SERIOUS

If you are just looking for one-night stand, toy boy, fling, temporary boyfriends etc except for marriage, don’t even consider of having one. Unless you are ready for the nasty consequences, save yourself from unnecessary troubles.

ENSURE YOUR PARTNER IS SINGLE

Check his or her background just to make sure he/ she is single to prevent negative labeling to your name.

DON’T KEEP IT SECRET FOR TOO LONG

People will talk if you deny your romance. It’ll lead to unpleasant gossip which could affect your relationship. If you are serious, then there’s no need to pretend it is not exist. Admit and gossips will cease.

CONFLICTS OF INTEREST

Perhaps you should delay if your partner has a direct work connection with you for instance he is your boss or he is your subordinate. Colleagues are likely to think your professionalism is compromised when it involves your love interest.

KEEP YOUR AFFAIRS PRIVATE

Means no intimate gestures in the office, keep relationship arguments outside and don’t talk about your affairs in front of your colleagues.

PREPARE TO BE THICK-SKINNED

Especially when your relationship turned sour. Are you ready for the drama?

Having an affair in the same office is like walking on a thin line. You need to be extra careful as it involves directly with your job reputation. For me, I would avoid office romance as it is troublesome. Like a friend said; “do not have a ‘scandal’ with your colleague as it is not nice”.

Logical thinking- if you don’t have problems with most people, you are ok. But, if you are not ok with most people or most people do not like you, then you are the problem. However, sometimes the few people that you have problems with are the one who make u feel like the world against you. Welcome to the world where the boss (and his ass-kissers) is always right.

 I don’t suck up my superiors.  It’s not that I have problems with the authority, no. I just hate bosses who are bodoh sombong and have mind of a lalang; one day he ordered such and such, another day he ordered totally contradict of his previous orders,  and some other days he would either revert back or give new set of orders. And with each order he would complain your work not up to his standard although you followed exactly like his previous instructions. I’d rather have lalang itself as my boss. At least, it doesn’t complain and fun to watch when the wind blows it.  It’s unfortunate that one will meet a lot of these bosses that one would think; be stupid ignorant and act bossy is the way of a leader.

Ass kissers…. This type of people made me queasy. Maybe watching people that I knew pretending they are the bestest in the presence of bosses made me sick with disgust. Worse, I despise people sucking up their bosses by making black sheep of their colleagues. Stabbing your friends to hide your skeletons in the closet and to show you are better is just disgraceful to moral values.  I think they are the pariah in the ass-kissers caste. Sadly, people from this pariah caste are usually the right-hand man of the boss.

Lesson learned; if you want to be successful in your career you must:

1)   Backstab to outshine your colleagues

2)   Suck up your boss diligently to gain his trust and he will be your ‘puppet’ forever
3)   If you are a boss, you don’t have to know your job. Someone will do it. Just act like an ass.

That’s the rule these days. Sad but true. However, I would never adopt these rules. Let the world hate me but each night I would sleep peacefully; my conscience is crystal clear. 

Less than a week I have been transferred to IC section, and this week I received another shocking news. Now I should report to another department in Selangor. WTH? It came all of a sudden and I wasn’t informed earlier. But, I managed to get 3 weeks delay. So, within this period I’m finishing all my work and packing my posessions to leave Sarawak. I’m going back to Malaya.

On 22nd May morning, my unit held a farewell party for those who are leaving including me. It was a hearty meal. I also got 2 big presents from my staffs and a song lyric that describes almost exactly my situation. It was so nice of them. I felt sad to leave. But as the call for duty more important, I have to let go. Perhaps, I’ll meet them some other time and maybe we could have another adventure in the remote again.

———————-THANK YOU UKB———————

Last Thursday, I just got back from my latest expedition; operation in Nanga Merit, Kapit. I never expected that was my last. I received a transfer letter that put me out from UKB, perhaps forever.  I have been transferred to IC section… bummer… And here I thought after a year, I haven’t travelled much. I even never set my foot in Baram yet although UKB visits that district every 2 months. It was so unfair. When I was the unit leader, I was never given much chance to go in operations. And now, I won’t get that chance anymore. Even if I do, it will be slim.

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UKB made a trip before to Nanga Merit in 2006, if I’m not mistaken. And for the second time, the place was chosen again for our operation. Like other UKB’s operation, this one is situated far from the reach of popular phone lines, except satellite phone.

Nanga Merit is situated on the banks of Batang Rajang. It’s halfway between Kapit town and Belaga on the upstream. At that time, it was draught season. The water level was so low that the school looked far uphill as you could see here. I was almost out of breath when I went up dan down carrying stuffs from the  speedboat.

The only way one could go to Nanga Merit is by speedboat, or by express if it is rainy season. If one didn’t have the skill to maneuver or the guts to withstand the thrill of Pelagus Rapids, one could disembark and go through the woods by 4WD (3/ 4 hours journey I think), passing the rapids and take the boat again. Pelagus is really wild, the current is torrential and could topple our little speedboat at anytime.

 This is where we live: a pre-school class. It was ok since it has a proper toilet although water supply is via collected rainwater. Unfortunately, it was dry season and our water supply ran out by the third day. But that night, Penghulu and the headmaster organized a dinner with kareoke. Everyone sang their hearts out until the sky thought the frogs croaking for the rain. So early in the morning, a downpour resulted for more than an hour. 

Receiving applications is not an easy job. It is important to get every particular correctly and investigation  interviews were done to get applicants’ statement that could support or deny their application. After a hard day’s work, a simple but hearty meal would compliment all our efforts. We had a huge labang fish bought from the locals that night; a portion fried and another portion masak asam pedas.

Before dinner, some of us spend the evening fishing from the water pump pier. Nothing were caught though. Just to kill the time while watching the sunset view from Batang Rajang.

The view was breathtaking. It gave the aura of tranquility and time seemed to stop. Made me forget the nerve-wrecking issues back in the office.

We also managed to visit a Beketan’s longhouse during our last evening there. It situated about 10 minutes walk from the school. Pretty nice house there; situated near the banks of Batang Rajang. Once again, the sunset view here was amazing.

We left Nanga Merit on 13th May morning. It was school day for the kids and we took the oppurtunity to take pictures with them. It felt like school alumni.

The first speedboat came at about 730 a.m; as promised earlier. However, we were delayed as the second speedboat only arrived an hour later. Nak berjanggut menunggu.  When everything was set, we took another picture before leaving Nanga Merit.

Through my stay in Nanga Merit, I feel rejuvenated mentally. I forgot my worries back in Kuching. When we were back to where the mobile phone lines rule, things got hustle bustle again. No more laid-back and gila-gila attitude like before. 

I have a lot more pictures during our stay cum operation there. It’s not enough to upload all in this blog. It’s also not enough to upload them all in the photo album either. But, I will upload most of it later.

I just flew back from the emotional turmoil weekend. I expected this would happen but I never anticipate it would be more than my love life conflict. Put aside my love conflict; I would like to comment a bit on this unexpected ‘unpleasantness’.

Friendster blog was not easily googled or yahooed. I tried twice and seldom friendster blog easily appeared as search results on these 2 search engines. Well, at least it never appeared on page one or two on search results even I typed few keywords from my blog. However, when my personal thoughts ‘leaked’, I thought; how could this happened? If my blog is a wordpress or blogspot, I have no doubt that it could be easily found. But friendster blog? I wonder which search engine that would give results from this service. 

Due to the ‘leakage’, I was slapped with a ‘threat’. And at that time, I was quite unstable emotionally to receive another bad news. Luckily I managed to gather myself and answered rather professionally (I think). When things cooled off a bit, it occurred to me that the ‘leakage’ could be a foul play. 

Why I became a victim? I don’t know. Maybe I hurt someone accidently and the act was a retaliation. Perhaps it was an attempt to tarnish my reputation or to expel me. Or maybe this was just a cover up for somebody’s indecent deeds. The possibilities are endless. Whatever it is, I’m pretty sure that what occurred to me came from someone with malicious intention.

If it was a foul play, whoever responsible for it, I say many thanks. I may bitching on a private blog and do few things that wasn’t nice but hey, nobody’s perfect. And so do the person who did this. What goes around comes around. 

(picture shown as an illustrational purposes only. Saje nak bubuh gamba)

Those few days in mid-January were memorable to me. There was the expected meeting, the test of honesty and sincerity, revelations and eventually, a strengthened bond. It was a mixture of emotion, although it didn’t feel as it was supposed to be. I wonder why. Perhaps it was my nature to control and contain emotions.

What was that? Ah, let it be a secret. Move on to next thing in my life. There’s work to do. Kind of busy with meetings and planning for future travels. There’s also ideas that need to be presented in writing. Unfortunately, I hate the idea in the first place. It’s not the right time to do it. However, what choice do I have other than “Saya yang menurut perintah”?

End of January is CNY. I didn’t plan to fly home but my mom successfully persuaded me to do so. Ok, go home then until Wednesday.

Maybe I shouldn’t name this entry as memorable since the particulars are personal and I don’t want to make it public. And thus, it make this entry short and boring. But then, I can’t think of any topic. Ah well…

Sejak minggu lepas terasa sgt bes dengan cuti bertampuk-tampuk. Lebih bes bos takde hingga tahun depan. Huhuhu…. That really gave me peace of mind. Tambah2 lak, dah sebulan aku tak masuk opis sejak November hari tu. Operasi sana sini, lepas tu balik raya haji. Sambung lak seminggu lagi sebab kursus kat Pangkor. Masuk je ofis balik, surat dan memo berduyun-duyun. Semua dah back-dated. Lantakla… makluman je pun.

Aku bukanlah seorang yang suka buat azam tahun baru. Tahun baru Hijrah mahupun tahun baru matahari. It’s like “new year resolution? What’s that? Maka, entry ini bukanlah untuk membebel tentang azam tahun baru aku. Apa yang aku ada hanyalah harapan (sayu la pulak ayat).

Antara aktiviti/ peristiwa/ rancangan tahun 2009:

• minggu depan, bos besar akan masuk ofis – tensi semula
• minggu depan gak, aku berambus pegi pejabat Residen Kapit – selain nak bincang pasal operasi, ianya memberikan aku sedikit masa untuk tidak tengok muka bos… hahahhaha
• Januari ialah bulan suatu penantian yang bakal berakhir- mende? Biarlah rahsia….
• jika Januari ‘adalah dengan sukacitanya’, maka suatu perancangan status ‘Rahsia Besar’ perlu dibuat- pening
• kalau keadaan mengizinkan, aku enggau PETRONAS ka Long Seridan- aram bejalai!
• semoga aku ditamatkan kontrak dan dapat jadi PTD tetap bulan April nanti- takla aku rasa terancam sangat

Itu je la kut highlight untuk tahun 2009 ni. Harapnya keadaan bertambah baik terutama dari segi kewangan dan karier sejajar dengan ramalan 2009 untuk zodiak Ayam.